Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

It's been such a long long long time since this blog has received any posting love, so I decided to get my feelings down - as a means of therapy. Yes, blogging can be therapeutical.

Anyway, so there's this guy. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to have in my life. We've known each other for such a very long time. Let's call him Taylor.

Taylor has always always always been so good to me. We have always been friends. He has always been there when I was going through a rough time, when I had a bad breakup. Whatever. He was there.

In the back of my mind he was always there. As a friend. But I started seeing him as more than a friend. Last summer was when it all happened.

Things started to progress, and then I went away. I started dating some other young chaps (who clearly were bone heads) and went through that lovely dating drama. When it was all said and done, here was Taylor. Patient. Selfless. Forgiving. Loving. Perfect.

Recently we tried to get together. I had built myself an iron wall, and I have been too afraid to take it down. It's still up, even though Taylor tried to tear it down. Oh he tried. He tried and he tried and I kept telling him to be patient with me. I told him to give me time, that time would heal this and the wall would come down.

Unfortunately, life isn't always kind and sometimes the people we love the most, we hurt the most.

I had hurt Taylor again, I was struggling to let him into my life and he had about enough. I feel horrible for hurting him again. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the pain that I've caused him. And you know whats funny, is now I feel this huge void in my life. I miss him. I love him. But I can't have him, because of my own stupidity and my own fears.

He is probably better off, he deserves the absolute best. And that is all that I could ever ask for, for him to be 100% happy. I am in pain. And I thought it would go away, but it hasn't. But I don't want to hurt him anymore, so I've decided to suffer in silence. He doesn't need to have to deal with me while I figure out what the BEEP I am doing. He deserves the best.

And if he ever comes across this blog (I highly doubt it) but if he ever did, I would want him to know that I am sorry. I would want him to know that I love him. I've always loved him. I've loved him for years, but I've just been too afraid to admit it. But because I love him, I want him to be happy. I want Taylor to have the most happiness, this madness called, life offers.

I love you Taylor. And I always will. Always.