Hello blogging world! This is my first post, and I don't have much to say in it, but I'm stuck checking tickets at work, which would take awhile to explain what exactly that is, but the bottom line is I have nine hours of not much to do ahead of me. So why not blog? It's better than listening to my co-worker pretty much verbally harass a customer. Hmmm.
I've never thought I had much of an exciting dating life. But there is one guy who I'm sure I'll write more about later so I'll just give a little background here so that when something does happen with this person, you all know the history. I met Luke at work about a year or so ago. I was a regular agent at my job and he was one of the people who if I had a question he'd be one of the people I ask. He's a pretty cool guy, good personality, funny, smart, nice. You know, all the good stuff. He came up one day and asked if he could check to see if a certain feature in this program we use was working. I didn't think anything of it. Later he admitted it was just so that he could talk to me (aw. . . cute!) A few days later ( or maybe a couple weeks, I don't know) he got my number. We went out a few times, and he was really great. I had a great time with him. About three weeks into dating he brought up the dtr. I hate dtr's. He wanted to be "boyfriend/girlfriend". I didn't. I had been engaged about six months before and I just didn't want to jump into anything serious. He said okay and we just kept dating. I would see him every night just about, and he would always bring it up. I knew he wanted something serious and I really just realized I didn't want anything with him. So I told him that. If there was anything I learned from being engaged is that you have to be honest and forward in a relationship and I didn't want to drag it on.
So some time passed and he tried again. We went to a movie and then he asked if I would want to go up the canyon for a bit afterwards. I agreed and he told me I had to be blindfolded. I was a little worried at the whold having to be blindfolded thing, but agreed. So we drive up a ways and he pulls to the side of the road and comes to my side of the car and gets me out. He leads me down this path thing (I'm assuming it was a path, I couldn't really see at that moment) and when I opened my eyes he had this whole picnic thing set up. It had been raining so the tablecloth (well actually the sheet) he had used to cover the table was soaked, and he had picked a flower (a sunflower, my favorite) that was all soggy because it was wet and gave it to me. how cute is this whole thing! but, I had mixed feelings about this. I was #1 confused because I thought I had been pretty clear at the fact that I just wanted to be friends #2 conflicted, because really, how cute is that!! But I had to be honest and I just didn't feel anything more for him than friends. He would keep asking to do things, so I told him again that I didn't want anything more than a friendship.
We didn't really talk for awhile after that. We would every once in awhile but it was just kinda weird. i was worried that if i was too nice i'd give him the wrong idea. i wasn't mean or anything, i just tried to keep things short with him. I ended up applying for the team that he was on, and got it. So we started working together pretty closely. Everything seemed fine between us and I was happy with that. I liked being his friend. I wanted to be his friend because I liked hanging out with him. We slowly started hanging out again. We ran a 5K together, and did other stuff that I really can't remember right now. One night there was a meteor shower and we decided to go watch it. So we drove to the middle of nowhere, parked on the side of the road, and got on top of his car and laid there and watched the stars. It was pretty cool. Then we started hanging out more and one night he brought me cookies (because he totally lost a bet! Jackson Hole is not in Idaho, really Luke?) and we went for a drive. So we're driving along and (***quick side note*** as we had been hanging out I was kinda starting to have a crush on him again, but I wasn't sure if it was just because I wanted a relationship of sorts or if I really did like him, and i knew that he had been kinda bummed about the last two times he had tried to swoon me and I had pretty much shut him down, and because I wasn't to sure I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt him, but I had lately been thinking about what it would be like to be with him, and after some talking to lauren who gave great advice: that I needed to find out for myself, i decided that i would probably say something). So anyways, we're driving and he says, among other things, "What would you think of trying us out again?" and I said "yeah" and that I'd been thinking about it but wasn't going to say anything about it. So we were gonna date again.
So, emotional/feeling side note here: This whole thing is kinda frustrating to me because he really is such a great guy but I don't feel anything more for him. He treats me better than anyone I've ever dated, and he really knows me and I can tell him anything and it's like all the big things are there, and really a lot of little things, but I just don't feel anything more for him. I've thought long and hard about why not because I wanted to figure out why I didn't. I mean, I consider myself a pretty normal girl, so what normal girl wouldn't be head over heels for a guy who would randomly bring me my favorite candy bar, or plan a suprise picnic, or remember the first thing we ever talked about (yes he remembers that), or tell me i looked good all the time. He would do all these romantic, adorable things and still I felt nothing more for him. He would remember all these details about things i've told him. so the conclusion i have come to is the x factor. i have this theory that when you meet the right person you'll just feel it. i know you can't be all romantic about everything and have to be smart about it, but there will just be this x factor about that person. and yes, they may drive you crazy some days, but you'll love that person so much you'll put up with it. luke doesn't have that. the x factor i mean. i don't want to be with someone who only looks good on paper, ya know. i want to feel it too. so with luke, i'm really not that physically attracted to him. And he kisses with his eyes open (kinda weird), and he breathes really heavy, and I really can't stand his smell. It's not a bad smell. He doesn't stink or anything like that, but it's just overpowering aroma of luke. You can smell him a mile away. i'm more a fan of having to get close to smell the guy. the subtle scent. i'm funny about smells, so i gotta be with a guy i can stand to smell.
So anyways, we did the dating thing. We went to temple square to see the lights, went to a movie, did some other stuff, and I was realizing that I really didn't feel anything more for him then being really good friends, and you shouldn't force yourself to feel something more for someone. This was around Christmas time, so I was gonna wait til after Christmas to tell him this. I didn't want to ruin his holiday or anything. But he beat me at the dtr thing. He texted me while I was at work and asked if we could talk after I got off. When someone tells you they want to talk it usually means something big is coming. (so run! just kidding. don't really do that) So he picked me up and we went on a little drive. We're driving and he tells me that there's a reason why he has a million texts saved from me in his phone, and if I say the word i'd be the only girl who would exist to him (except the dallas cowboy cheerleaders). stab in the freakin heart. but it gets worse. i tell him that i'm sorry but i don't feel anything for him and I really don't remember all that was said, but he tells me he loves me and that he's never said that to anyone before, and that he'd never tried so hard to get someone, and he starts crying. like really crying. i felt terrible!! i don't ever want to be the reason to make somebody cry. ever. i really wish i could've made a video and just put it in here so you guys could all just hear what he said. i felt like the most mean, horrible person ever. he told me that he'd probably have to quit work because he couldn't stand to see me all the time and that he was gonna delete me as a friend off facebook. i thought these were a little extreme, but i was gonna let him do whatever he needed. he told me i was one conflicted girl and that i didn't know what i wanted. and to admit, what he said kinda cut deep. it got me thinking. i realized he was right. he said i knew what i didn't want, i just didn't know what i wanted.
Anyways, i watched him cry for about three hours. i had gotten off work at eleven and didn't get home til after two. i felt terrible, and i wanted to be able to tell him the same thing but i knew i'd be lying, and that'd be worse. i went home for christmas the next day so i didn't see him for awhile. when i did get back for work, he called in that day. the next day at work we only had to work together an hour and he didn't talk to anyone at all. he just sat at his desk. i felt really bad. then later that day he texted me and told me he wanted to try being friends. i told him that was good because work was really weird. inside i was thinking that was the stupidest idea he'd ever had.
so now we're friends. that really is a pretty small nut shell version of this story, and i know that all seems really weird, but it's good. it's kinda weird because we're both really open about things. i know how he feels and he doesn't hide it, and he knows how i feel. we're really good friends now. he's one of my best. so yeah. that's luke. i told all that history because it's important to all the other stories i'll tell in the future. and i could keep going on and on and on about this but i think i'm gonna wrap it up for now. plus they have the food network on at work and now all i can think about is food.
sofia
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